Mar 16 2009
I Want Out
My therapist got me in today for an emergency session. I’m really freaking out about the purging. It is already getting out of hand. It is the strangest thing. It is like having an out of body experience when it happens. Maybe I want to be out of my body… I’m just not sure at all why I’m trading one behavior for another, but it has to stop. I think it boils down to the fact that I’m worried about Dave, and I feel like I have no control over where our life is headed. I don’t have control…that is a scarey feeling. I feel like a failure right now. I know that this is just a bump in the road. My therapist reassured me over the phone that we would get through this, and I have to trust that we will. I know that I have all of the support that I need. I have to want it bad enough, and that is what is worrisome. The fact is that I’m still terrified to be without the eating disorder in whatever form it takes.
I can relate. I’d feel out of control, purge, and get so far into my eating disorder, preoccupied and obsessed, that I couldn’t there for the people I love when they needed me. Then I’d purge even more. I did the disassociation too. Anything to not feel so out of control. Good on you for contacting your therapist instead of carry the secret. I hope things are better for you now.
I can relate too, if that helps any.
Awesome job at getting in to see the therapist!
I hope that the visit helped some and that things are a little more manageable for you right now.